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2003.06.06
Recovering from Mormonism, Part IV:
Self-love, Monogamy and Polygamy
So, I asked myself, If Well-Being is my physical and spiritual aim and a healthy balance between my individuality and my collective influence is my measure of excellence, what does this imply about sexuality?
I can't believe the uniqueness that physical universe imbues upon each individual is a karmic curse OR blessing? I reject this notion, thoroughly. Logically, uniqueness is not an evaluation of personal worth any more than an exploding volcano wiping out Pompeii is. Instead, individuality is the only specific outcome that could organize itself out of a specific range of options.
My Mom and Pop, cavorting in the backseat of their car under a broken street lamp that my father had pitched rocks at, came together at a time when conception was possible. Their DNA was capable enough to organize their contributions into my viable lifetime, otherwise I would have spontaneously aborted. External influences contributed to or distracted from the quality of my foundation and thus my potential expression. At some point, I became aware of myself and that I had things about me that felt powerless and limited and other things about me that felt powerful and capable.
Some of the things that feel powerless to me are my gender identity and sexual identity. Some of the things that feel powerful to me are my ability to choose who I will share my sexuality with.
The issues between what are compulsory and optional, natural and nurtured are an age old debate. But this debate is not the same as the one that compares what is easy, spontaneous and instinctive vs. that which is difficult, intentional or disciplined. Knowing who I am and what my potential might be, is very different from being reactive and lazy or proactive and masterful with that knowledge.
I began to reason that my identity defines the color of my general potential, but my spirituality defines the harmony with which I specifically express myself. As a female heterosexual--I am imbued with the opportunity of using my identity toward constructing or destroying well-being for myself, my mate and all those I influence. I felt this was true for the male, the hermaphrodite, the bisexual and homosexual.
It is not about whether what we are is right or wrong. I can't believe that the lump of quadriplegic man flesh sitting in a wheel chair who is Steven Hawking is Hideously Wrong any more than I can believe that the Queen of England is Divinely Right.
But, it does seem to be all about optimizing a harmonic excellence between individual and collective health or destroying it. For me, masturbation, sexual fantasy and monogamy seem to nourish my sense of well-being. For others, strict abstinence, bdsm fetish or polyamory seem to nourish theirs. Where Sexuality is concerned, it seems to me, that what is necessary to a healthy sexual relationship is that the players are mature enough to mutually consent to the game they play.
I can't tell anyone what their food or poison is, any more than anyone can tell me what mine is. But, it seems constructive for me to listen when I am told I am injuring or nourishing someone. I will work to observe and discern the honesty and accuracy of such claims and from there, I can decide if I am able to construct harmonic solutions, if needed.
If I truly feel I am injuring someone or being injured and I can't arrive at a solution, this seems a signal to stop playing the game with that particular relationship. But, it doesn't seem helpful to insist that I should destroy someone because we have a difference of opinion.
However, when I observe that societal well-being is also being injured by myself or someone else, then it seems the issue is no longer a matter of preference, but an issue of aligning with Universal principle. These evaluations are the only way I can see to evolving humanitarian progress.
Are we essentially monogamous or polygamous as a species? There is plenty of scientific evidence and controversy about that one. Why can't it be that those who prefer one or another are allowed to align with others of their own kindness? For me, I am possessive and I like relational focus. I have children that need stability, consistency and exposure to both genders and their societal roles. So, I "choose" monogamy. That is what works for me in my reality. Responsibility must be exercised in reality--the place where consequences are only escaped like winning the lottery. But, in fantasy--the sky is the limit and where all consequences are mute so, that is where I will be free.
I teach my children that masturbation is healthy and that it should be used to maintain discipline around responsible sexual choices. That responsibility is not calling a baby into one's life if they are not ready to care for it, not becoming a victim of disease, and not allowing a relationship to injure any of the players thru forcefulness. It is being aware of all risks and being able to respond in a healthy manner to all possible results. I have boys, so I teach them that women want sex just as much as they do, but that women generally seek relational connection thru their sexuality--so, if they are out just to have a good time and explore, they better make sure their partners understand and accept their agenda. No deceptions allowed!
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