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2003.06.06
Recovering from Mormonism, Part II:
Struggles with Sexuality
I did not begin my recovery until I was 26 years old. Before that I was devoted to the religion, dotted with occasional lapses due to a lack of parental support. My devout paternal grandparents were my heaviest influence, while my single divorced father was exploring his own rebellions. Being removed from my religious mentors by oceans and cultures, I was often the only Mormon girl in my schools. It often took a two or three hour trip to attend a church meeting. But, there was something about being unconventional that I thrived on; so I studied, prayed, practiced and became accepting of my isolation.
Yet, as I was transitioning thru puberty and trying to make sense of my femininity and the world of boys, I had little assistance or instruction in the way of the woman. I was handed books and pamphlets describing the medical details of my changes and I was permitted the asking of all questions on these things. But, when it came to understanding the aspects of relationship and the fundamental differences of sexual approach between boys and girls, I was in total darkness. I got the message loud and clear, that virginity until marriage was of the highest value.
So, when I found myself in moments of curiosity and exploration, thru exposure to friends who wanted to play doctor, discovering my father's porno mags or peers debating about words like"wet dreams" and "masturbation," I was thoroughly frustrated with what to do about all this sexual energy. I was ignorant, innocent and ridden with guilt over very minor infractions that I believed were humongous sins. The shame took a great toll on my self-esteem, even tho I committed myself to a pure practice in my life.
I was mislead about the meaning of the word, "masturbation" -- one word that my father wasn't able to apply a medical approach to. So, even tho I didn't fully know what the word meant until my teen years, I remained masturbation-less until after my divorce with my first husband. I was a virgin until the date my first husband used to force sex upon me--curiously, leading to our eventual marriage. I continued to date and then married the guy because I felt I had no other choice? Who else would want my tarnished soul?
This is not the "fault" of Mormonism or a father who was ignorant about parenting a girl child. Many factors contributed to my situation. But, as I confronted my guilt and I had to decide who I really was spiritually, I had to inspect my motives, my demonstrations, and my worth against the accuracy of my upbringing and teaching. My intimately personal view of myself could be the only true "judge" of who I had been and where I wanted to go.
So far, I had assumed a stance that God could only see me as blemished and undisciplined. The Mormon brand of "works and grace" kept me bound by feelings that I could/would never be more than second rate to God; because, having sinned once and been forgiven was never as pure as never having sinned at all. I found something very oppressive about this perspective. Was it my own distorted perception or the one that was really perpetuated by the religion? I don't know. However, seeing that Jesus, himself granted Mary Magdalene freedom from a stoning and her past and then demonstrated his forgiveness thru continued intimate association with her, I was set on a course of questioning. Jesus, himself, granted peace to and drank water drawn from a woman who had been married several times and was now only "living" with a guy.
What did this really mean? I had to come to terms.
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