|
2003.06.17
Heaven, By Way of Hell
This Summer's Solstice marks the 6th wedding anniversary for Sagemonn and me. We were married at the top of a wonderful Mountain by a Wiccan Witch. No, we aren't pagan--but obviously, we think being Pagan/Wiccan is kind of interesting. We both have celtic roots and we both had been married 4 times each before this union--so, we wanted to do something very different. I had come to know this Witch who had rights to marry and was pleased to do whatever we wanted. Since we have no religious alliances, this sounded much better than a Justice of the Peace. She helped us make a wedding incense and to create some ritual ideas for our ceremony. Every year now, we build a "hand-fast" rope and tie it as a re-commitment to our unity.
As I said, we are both serial monogamists and have contributed to the divorce-rate statistic with uncommon frequency. It used to be an item of great shame for me. But, when you have kids that blurt out every detail of your history to pure strangers, you tend to develop calluses. Anyhow, the love my dear Mate and I have found has made all that history well worth it. And I realize now, how necessary it all was to preparing us for one another.
Neither of us are extroverts. Nor did we think a bar or dance club was really where we wanted to find a long term partner. We both wanted life partners--although we had become quite cautious and skeptical about the prospect of ever really finding one. So somehow, we both approached the dreaded task of mate-hunting thru a dating service called, of all things, "Perfect Match."
After photos, videos, character tests and description sheets, we were both in the archives of availability. I had been approached often for a few months, turning down lots and the few I was accepting not quite hitting the mark. Now, how In the world would the Lover of my Dreams end up in Salt Lake City, UT? How would someone with common values (honor and responsibility)--but not Mormon/Religious; chemically matched (good looks, smell, taste--ok, highly sexed), but not already attached or un-attachable; committed but, not obsessively possessive; open-minded, intelligent and talented--ever find their way to my tiny realm of the world? I don't know--but, somehow, it happened!
I had been growing burdened by the Dating Service process and was beginning to consider dropping my engagement with it--when my Man-Hunk's request finally arrived. It was the first time I felt myself say, "yes!" and sincerely repeat it, after our initial "let's meet" date. The romance took off swiftly. Let me tell you, Sagemonn knew how to sweep me off my feet! (Another Discourse, altogether.) It was as if he could read my mind. But, isn't that what they say the lust drug does to everyone?--Hence, terms like "love blindness?"
Our courtship lasted two years and was confronted by the garbage of our previous years. It was filled with exquisite passions of lust, admiration and awe and sometimes almost equal frustrations and resignations to thoughts that maybe the only way was "alone." We carried on until we, in fact, felt we wanted to try it together for the long haul.
Have you heard the phrase, "Fail Forward?" I promise, this is a mantra chanted by true survivors and achievers. Turn mistakes into learning fodder. Don't let such valuable knowledge, even if it's an addition to your list of "what NOT to do," go to waste. And we both committed to making this true for our relationship.
Our first years were very rough, with threats of divorce already on our lips. But, neither of us could ignore how much better and richer our lives were when things were smooth--so, somehow we kept recommitting to working it thru. And "work it" thru is what counts, here.
I knew of many marriages that stayed together, but in my observation, they were not unions of love but surrenders to prisons of misery. I didn't want to be one of those inmates. But, the marriages that seemed to have it all together didn't reveal much to me about how they worked. The relationships appeared sleek and polished like a Sunday-Ride Hot Rod. But, getting under the hood to see how things synched seemed extremely difficult.
Being where we are now, I have come to realize that some of the secret to those Hot Rod relationships is having had a lot of time and TLC in the Garage of maintenance and upgrades. Our bliss--and it is, indeed, a deep, peaceful and profound adoration that we share--has truly become what it is because we stuck it out and kept our focus on the Tune-Up. Granted, I feel that there has to be something exquisitely foundational to the union, in the first place. (How do arranged marriages make it?) It is this foundation that keeps your focus on working things thru when you think you might utterly hate each other. But, it's realizing and aligning with the truths and laws of mastery that becomes the nourishing force for success.
Couples, who feel as blessed as we do in our love, owe a speaking out about what it takes to get there. No more cozy secrets. The journey is a difficult one!--No different than gaining mastery in anything else. You stretch and extend beyond your comfort zones until being in the difficult places becomes easier places to be. And you keep on training--just like weight training--because you know if you quit you will quickly lose what you have gained. It's like learning to play an instrument or a good game of tennis. You learn, you practice, you tumble, you pick yourself up and if you want to stay good and grow, you practice some more.
You never really arrive! You have milestones--"gee, we've worked our disagreements thru without a fight for a whole year now," "wow, we don't yell at the kids as much any more," "hey, we're staying on track with the checkbook and look, we're actually saving," --whatever you need your milestones to be. But, just like life, there are always new goals in view.
What becomes the richest thing of all, is that the Hot Rod is no longer hiding in the garage--instead, it is taking you where you want to go in style. Your relationship is no longer the challenge you are working to overcome, but it becomes the respite and the solution to the challenges you are confronted with from the outer worlds of your everyday life. You are no longer alone in your fight for survival and your reach for fulfillment. Your unity is the cream & sugar in your raspberries...the icing on your cake. Sagemonn, Thank you so very much!
|
